HUMANS do not celebrate the anniversary of getting their job, the world has told LinkedIn.

Despite the site sending out millions of emails every day urging its users to congratulate each other on reaching another year of – usually miserable – employment, the planet has unanimously agreed that it has got to stop.

A representative for the human race said: “Seriously LinkedIn, you can cut out that bullshit. I have never once been congratulated on a work anniversary, either in the real world or on your weirdly clingy website.

“And just so you know, most of us have had bowel movements that we remember more fondly than starting our jobs.”

The representative added that no humans are remotely fucked about who is looking at their LinkedIn profiles either, so they can lay off the daily missives about that too.

LinkedIn responded immediately with 25 billion jargon-filled emails from which it is impossible to unsubscribe.